iry? 



ry? 



V --- 



Waatidk A C@fiiip@iiiit 



^ S^nrq 



X1<T T^WO J^OOTS. 



liY 



PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR, DE KALB, ILLINOIS. 



T. S. DENISON. ! 



PRICE, 20 CENTS. 



CHICAGO. 

Steam Pkess of Gushing, Thomas & Co., 170 Clark St. 

1877. 



nsro ipXj^ys Ex:oH:^nsr(3-EJD 



NEW PLAYS. 



SUITABLE FOR SCHOOL EXHIBITIONS AND 
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NO SCENERY REQUIRED. 

These plays are written expressly to meet the wants of teachers and others 
who seek interesting- amateur phiys suitable for production before audiences 
composed of the best society. They deal with American life and manners. 
The dramas all combine the serious and the humorous. 

Thf se plays ^re p^ire in tone and language. They are not too difficult for young 
persons of ordinary cuftftre and yei they afford opportunity for "acting-." 



OMff& WIWM WMM EMEMF, 



A drama, in fiv^ acts ; 7 male and 4 female characters. 

ombi nation of characters as a 
ained to the close." — Cincinnati 
Very popular during- the past season. 



"The combination of characters as a whole is judicious, and the interes 
well sustained to the close." — Cincinnati Times. 



A capital short farce; 8 male characters. 
FIRST EDITION SOLD IN A FEW WEEKS. 



JUST OUTI 

&ETM ^ GMEEMB^€M. 

A social drama in four acts ; 7 male and 3 female characters. 
Pronounced a "well written" play by those who have examined the 
advance sheets. 



WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 

A ludicrous farce in two actiJ ; 4 male and -t female characters. 



^F^MmrMi 



A spicy little farce illustrating "the great strike" as applied to the lamily ; 
male and 3 female characters. 

A TEMPERANCE drama will be published about December 10th, 1877. 
Any play on this list by mail, 20 cents. Five plays for 75 cents. 
Address: T. S. DENISON, 

De Kalb, De Kalb Co., 111. 



Wanted: A Correspondent. 



g 4nrq. 



X3ST- T-V^O ^OTS 



BY 



Vs.': 



Xra DENISON 



Author of "Odds with the Ene»!y," "Initiating a Grang^,'" **Seth Greenback^ 
''A Family Strike '" 



PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR, DE KALB, ILL. 



CHICAGO : 

Steam Press of Gushing, Thomas & Co., 170 Clark Strrrt. 

1877. 

Copyright, 1877, by T. S. Denison. 



B5-' 



K 



CHARACTERS. 

QUEERGRAIN, ADDIE WiLD, 

Mrs. QUEERGRAIN, George Wild, 

Puss Pearly, Box, 

Jack Spigot, Dinah. 



COSTUMES. 



Any clothing suited to the social standing of the wearer. Jack 
stylish, and in the last act fastidiously dressed. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



R means right, as the actor faces the audience ; L, left ; C, centre. 



WANTED : A COEEESPONDENT. 



^OT I. 

Scene, ^ueergrain^ s library. A bookcase and -writing desk C, in 
rear ; pictures and statuary on the walls ; sofa L ; fil€ of news- 
papers by bookcase; large easy chair, etc* ]ack, seated in a care- 
less attitude, reading " Persojial'^ column of the " Tiniest 

Jack {Reading.) " Lady correspondent wanted. Address, Sem- 
per Fidelis, Dexter Station." Ha! ha! Semper Fidelis, you are 
ever faithful, eh ? Your Latin evidently belongs to the brazen age, 
•' Will the lady dressed in a light suit, who had linen cloak on her arm, 
crossed North Ferry about 3 o'clock, and noticed gent, please send her 
address to Pencil, this office?" Look out, Mr. Pencil, or you may need 
sharpening before you get through with that angel in a light suit. 
" Gentleman correspondent wanted. Address Samantha Ann, Box 345, 
Oakwood place." Oho! The fair sex is in the field, and competition 
is lively. Really I had forgotten this is leap year. This one is cer- 
tainly a joke: " Wanted, correspondent by an elderly gentleman, with 
a view to matrimony." The old sinner ought to be ashamed of him- 
self, sowing wild oats at his time of life. Botheration, there is no end 
to the trouble such business gets one into. It's a little fun and bushels 
of trouble. I wonder if Puss suspects the trick Addie and I have 
played on her, and what would she say if she knew of my inamorata 
incog. ? Confound her incog. How do I know who she is ? She 
might be my great-grandmother for all I know to the contrary. By the 
fates, I believe she is old and as ugly as a mud fence, for she persists 
in writing, and will not consent to an interview. How to dispose of 
her is the problem. 

Enter Puss. Jack starts. 

Puss. What weighty problem demands your attention now, Jack ? 

Jack. Oh ! nothing in particular. 

Fuss Dear Jack, it takes you a long time to read the paper to-day. 
Is there any special news? Let me see! {Peeps over his shoulder.) 
I'll declare, you are reading the Personal column. What do you find 
there to interest you ? 

* If it. is not convenient to place a bookcase on the stag-e, a bracket with 
books maybe suspended on the wall, and a table take the place of the desk. 
Where the stii^fj allows the use of a third door for the closet, or where there is 
a recess, or where a screen can be used for the purpose, make the exits and 
entrances as gfiven in the text ; otherwise, let the exits and entrances all be at 
one side, and the closet at the other. 



8o WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 

Jack. {Confused.) Oh, I was just looking at the markets. 

Puss. Now, Jack, don't prevaricate, for you know I've caught you. 
The markets are on the inside of the paper. What do you say to that, 
my good fellow ? 

Jack. Well, if I should happen to find the Personal column in 
looking for the markets, and should glance over its contents, what's the 
harm. Personals are intended to be read, or why should they be 
printed, my dear ? 

Puss. And you men like to read them. 

Jack. Don't women read them? 

Puss. Why do you ask such an absurd question ? 

Jack. Why do you not answer my question ? I am afraid women 
not only read them, but write some of them, too. Listen, dear Puss. 
{Reads.) •"Wanted, gentleman correspondent by a jolly old maid. 
Money no objection. No widowers need apply." Here is another. 
" A strawberry blonde would like " 

Puss. Do stop. {Snatches the paper.) Never mind what she likes, 
you mean, teazing thing, you. You are just making up a lot of stories 
as you go. 

Jack. Not as good as the originals, I assure you. 

Puss. Jack, is it wrong to answer a "personal?" 

Jack. Why do you ask? Have you any thought of engaging in 
such a tender affair ? Let me see, which one is it ? The elderly re- 
spectable gentleman ? Remember, Puss, he says with a view to matri- 
mony. 

Puss. Jack, you ought to be ashamed to talk so, when you know we 
are engaged. 

Jack. What made you ask me such a question, then ? 

Puss. It's a pity I can't ask a question without 

Jack. Being quizzed ? Your remark suggested the question. 

Puss. You are suspicious, and I hate suspicion. 

Jack. Then answer my question and remove suspicion. 

Puss. Mr. Spigot, I deny your right to question me so authorita- 
tively. Besides, I asked you a question first, which you have not yet 
answered. 

Jack. Of course it's wrong. Puss — decidedly wrong — it's wicked, 
especially 

Puss. For ladies. 

Jack. I intended to say for those who have unusually nice views of 
propriety. But I will accept your amendment, and say for ladies. 

Puss. How considerate, Mr. Spigot, to think of including the ladies 
at all, since you lords of creation usually deny them the right to take 
the initiative in anything, especially an affair of the heart. 

Jack. Pooh ! Women may do anything they can do well, for all I 
care. 

Puss. I believe you said such a correspondence was decidedly 
wrong — in fact wicked ? 

Jack. I used those words, I believe. 

'Puss. {Aside.) I'll remember them. They will prove an extin- 
guisher. 



WANTED : A CORRESPONDENT. 8l 

yack. I asked jj/^M a question, Puss. 

Puss. I've quite forgotten what it was, Jack, 

^ack. The poorest memory is the one that chooses to forget. Why 
did you ask me if it is wrong to reply to a personal? 

Puss. ( Wii/i a toss of the head.) My memory is so poor that I 
have forgotten why. 

Jack. In other words, you refuse to answer. 

Puss. As I denied your right to question. 

yack. But you questioned me. 

Puss. That was a fair question. 

yack. You are stubborn. 

Puss. You are exacting. 

yack. Because I asked a reasonable question ? 

Puss. You are suspicious. 

yack. You catechise me about what portions of the paper I have 
been reading. Isn't that suspicion too. Miss Lynx-eye? 

Puss. Oh, dear! To think that you could ever call me names ! 

yack. (Ptses.) I'm afraid we'll never get along together. Miss 
Pearly. 

Puss. I grant you full release, Mr. Spigot. {Turns away.) 

yack. {Aside.) I guess she'll come round. {With important air.) 
She won't hold out long when /say the word. 

Puss. {Aside.) An exposure may cure his folly, but mine is as 
bad. {In a penitent tone.) Dear Jack ! {He turns away.) Will 
you hear a word ? 

yack. {Coolly.) Several will be required in apology. 

Puss. {Aside.) I'll make up, and get even. {Aloud.) Will you 
forgive me ? 

yack. I will, but the conditions are a kiss. {Kisses her. She 
screams as Quekrgrain enters L.) 

^. Ahem! ahem ! Beg pardon. Jack and Puss. I didn't know 
you were here. No harm done, I hope ? 

yack. None, that I am aware of. 

^. I will take a turn on the piazza. 

Puss. Never mind, Pa. I am going up stairs. {Exit R.) 

yack. And I shall take a peep around the stables. {Exit L.) 

^. They are, evidently very happy. I wonder if ten years 
of married life will make any difference in their happiness ? If it does 
not they will prove a lucky exception to the average matrimonial experi- 
ence. Hum ! Mrs. Queergrain and myself were once in bliss. 
Now we are in — hot water. Mrs. Queergrain always misunder- 
stands me. Well, she is not entirely to blame. Society is to 
blame. She merely puts too rigid an interpretation on its require- 
ments. Society says that married people must give up, more or 
less, all their intimate friends of the opposite sex, no matter how 
pure and mutually improving that friendship may have been. So- 
ciety demands that marriage should impose restraints which effectu- 
ally smother such friendship. Marriage offers love instead, but when 
that love is a delusion what then ? What then ? Bow to the tyrant, 
says Mrs. Queergrain; defy him, say I. But business must be attended 



82 WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 

to. Let me see. I will write a note to Miss Wild, asking her to call 
this evening. We must finish that libraiy list before Saturday, or the 
deuce will be to pay, {Stats himself and ivrites.) At eight? Yes, 
that will do. Mrs. Q. will be at the mite society this evening. 
Wouldn't she raise old Nick if she knew this ? [Rings for Box.) 
The poet should have said, instead of " Hell hath no fury like a woman 
scorned," " Hell hath no fury like a jealous woman." [Enter Box 
R.) Here, Box, deliver this note at once. Don't fail. 

Box. Shall I wait for the answer ? 

^. No, it requires no answer. tExit R.) 

Box. {Looks at note.) Another note to that woman. {Eriter Mrs. 
Q. R.) Queergrain is a brick. But I musn't go out in this coat. I'll 
run up to my room and change it. {Lays note on table. Exit R.) 

Mrs. ^ What is this? Husband mails no^letters at this time of 
day. {Picks up 7wte.) Oh, dear! oh, dear! Can I believe my eyes? 
A note to a woman. Oh, dear ! I shall die. I'm fainting. I will call 
Puss. {Goes towards door.) No, I'll see first what is in this delicate 
epistle. {Opens note. Reads.) 

Miss Addie, — 

We will resume our work this evening, if it suits 
your convenience. Drop in here instead of going home. The iamily 
will be absent, and we shall have nothing to disturb us. Come at eight. 

Yours, Mack Queergrain. 

Oh, the wretch ! the false, perfidious wretch ! To think that he would 
deceive me so. Calls her his Miss "Addie," and says, " We shall 
have nothing to disturb us." Well, they may be disturbed. I will at 
once confront him with his scandalous conduct, and then leave him 
forever. What shall I do? I'll warrant she is some despicable crea- 
ture that he has picked up. Ha! I know what I'll do. I will send 
this precious missive of affection, and take care to be at home when 
they " resume their work." What can that mean? I shall see to- 
night. {Seals note and places it on table.) Hark ! he is coming 
again. He must not know I've seen that. [Enter Box R.) Box, 
are you going down town ? 

Box. Yes, ma'am. What did you wish? 

Mrs. c^. Nothing, I believe. Oh, I forgot. Tell Flint to send up 
my scissors that were left to be ground. 

Box. (Pockets note. Aside.) I wonder what Queergrain is up to 
now anyway. {Exit L.) 

Mrs. <^. So Box mistrusts him too. And I am not unjust in my 
suspicions, as some of my friends would have me believe. Men all 
need watching, and you can't go much amiss when you suspect them of 
mischief. 

Enter Dinah vjith note, L. 

Dinah. Mrs. Queergrain, here is a letter for Mr. Queergrain. It 
was lying in the hall, where it has been dropped by the postman. 

Mrs. ^. {Takes letter. Aside.) A lady's hand. I'll take care 
of this myself. {Aloud.) Dinah, has a lady called here alone lately? 

Dinah. Yes ; there was Miss Myrtle, last week. 



WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. S3 

Mrs. J^. Yes, I know. I saw her. I mean when I was out. 

Dinah. Yes ; there was the female book agent. She called again. 

Mrs. ^. I saw that old thing too. I mean a young lady. 

Dinah. Missa, I know nothing about no young ladies but them that 
called on Miss Puss. {Aside.) Shan't tell all I know. 

Airs. 41- And there were no others called ? 

Diyiah. I vows 'pon honoh, Missa, that I admitted no young lady 
into this house. {Aside.) That's true, too, for Massa admitted her. 
{Exit Dinah R.) 

Mrs. ^. { Tears of en note hastily.) I'll soon see what she has to 
say. {Reads.) 

Mr. Queergrain : 

Dear Sir — As I have not seen you to-day, I take 
this means of enquiring when we shall meet again. Can you stop a 
few minutes this evening on your way home ? 

Yours, Addie Wild. 

( Tears note into bits and drops into a chair hysterically.) Mercy ! 
oh dear ! oh dear ! You brazen wretch. Plow dare you write to my 
husband asking when you will meet him again ? So you have mvt 
before, and often too, I know. I am the most miserable of women. I 
wish I was dead, if it was not that I want to live to expose their sly 
plans, and shame them with discovery. 

Enter Puss R. 

Puss. Ma, have you seen Jack within half an hour? Why how 
agitated you are. Has anything happened ? 

Mrs. ^. The bolt has fallen at last. 

Puss. The night-lock will keep burglars out. 

Mrs. ^. How can you be so dull? You know I refer to Mr. 
Queergrain. His guilty secret is out at last. My dear, we are undone. 
Our peace has flown forever. 

Puss. Oh! is that all? I thought something serious had happened. 

Mrs. ^. Poor child ! you do not realize the family humiliation. I 
wish you could give a serious thought to your own welfare and the hap- 
piness of your poor mother. My own child has no sympathy for me. 
Oh dear ! 

Puss. Ma, I know you are wronging Pa. Because his views are 
peculiar in many ways I don't see why you should think of him as you 
do. He may be wrong sometimes, but then he is the kindest of men. 

Mrs. ^. He is kind enough to some people^ I know. But will 
that kindness soothe the outraged feelings of a betrayed wife ? Oh, he 
is altogether too kind. 

Puss. Ma, will you learn nothing by experience? This terrible 
blow has already fallen a dozen times. The family has been a dozen 
times undone, and yet we thrive and succeed in maintaining a very 
genteel position in the community. 

Mrs. c^. This time I have the proofs. There is no longer any 
room to doubt. My suspicions were not so unjustifiable after all. 
Read that and be convinced. 

Puss. {Reads the note. Aside.) I'll declare it's Addie Wild. 



84 WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT.. 

{Aloud.) That is conclusive. It is too true. (Aside.) Some of 
Addie's tricks. (Aloud.) To-night, at eight. {Aside.) Won't there 
he fun. Jack's hour too, 

Mrs. ^. You can't trust the men. Jack is a good boy, Puss, but 
he is a little wild. You had better watch him. 

Puss. Just what I have thought, Ma. In fact, I suspect he is up to 
some mischief, and to-night at eight I hope I shall be able to inform 
myself positively as to his guilt or innocence. 

Afrs. J^. At eight ? Where ? 

Puss. In the library. 

Mrs. 3. The very time and place where an injured and k)ng-s»f- 
fering wife will heap confusion on the head of a recreant husband. 

Puss. {Aside.) For his complete vindication. (Aloud.) I shall 
cure Jack effectually. 

Afrs. c^. Have you any proof? 

Puss. I have. 

Mrs. ^. Then administer a telling rebuke. Let the lesson sink 
deeply while there is yet time. 

Puss. That I will. It will be a good joke. (Aside.) A serious 
one, may be, if he should discover the identity of his unknown fair one 
to-night. (Aloud.) Hark, Ma! Some one is coming. 

Enter Q. and Jack, L. 

yack. Puss, where is Box? 

Puss. How should I know where the servants are ? I've not seen 

him. 

J^. I sent him on an errand down town a few minutes ago. 

Mrs. ^. (Aside.) Audacious! 

Puss. What did you want with him, Jack ? 

Jack. I only wanted him to run an errand to the tailor's. But no 
matter, I'll send a boy. 

Puss. (Aside.) He is going to bite. (A/oztd.) Getting a new 
suit, Jack ? 

jfacj^. Yes. 

Puss. Light or dark ? 

yack. (Hesitates .) Dark, of course. 

Puss. Oh, of course. I need not have asked that. (Aside.) Your 
suit wiil come to grief, or I'm mistaken. 

^. Mrs. Queergrain, you remember The Woman's Home Philan- 
thropic Society holds its monthly meeting this evening; you will attend, 
of course? 

Mrs. ^. It's quite a walk to Mrs. Quiggles. Could you accom- 
pany us there? The gentlemen sometimes attend. 

^. I fear it will be impossible for me to go. I am very busy at 
present. 

Mrs. ^. Oh, I dare say you are busy. You always are when it 
comes to going anywhere with your wife. 

^. NonL anse, my dear ! You know I am always willing to accom- 
pany you when it is necessary. I see no particular necessity of my 
going this evening. 



WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 85 

Mrs. c^. Always willing, but never ready ! I see no particular 
necessity of your staying at home. 

^. My dear, I have just told you I am very busy. 

Mrs. ^. Men always have some excuse for neglecting their wives. 

^. My dear, why do you talk so ? You know it is but a step, and 
you have often gone alone. 

Mrs. ^. Often gone alone ! No need to tell me that. Everybody 
knows that. I have to go alone. 

Puss. Ma, you know we can go alone very well this evening. 
{Whispers aside.) 

^. Wife, don't be unreasonable. 

Mrs. J^. I knew it would come to that. I might have expected to 
be abused. 

Puss. Ma, don't say that. We can go alone quite well. (Aside,) 
Remember our plans. 

c^. I will go too if it is really necessary, though I can't see why I 
should attend the meetings of a Woman's society. 

Mrs. J^. No, you need not go, Mr. Queergrain. 

^. Perhaps Jack will be kind enough to see the ladies to the society 
and call for them at the close of the meeting. 

Jack. Really I should be happy to do so, but I do not know how I 
am to manage it this time. This is club night, and I have a special 
engagement. 

Puss. (Aside.) In a special club. (Aloud.) We will excuse you, 
gentlemen. We can manage quite well without you, indeed. (Aside.) 
Ma, we will give them plenty of time. (Aloud.) As there is some 
extra work before the society, we shall be rather late in getting back. 

yack. All right, Puss. Sometimes we are late at the club. 

Puss. And will be to-night, I suppose, 

Mrs. J^. The gentlemen will be so occupied that they will be cbli- 
vious to the flight of time. (Exeunt Mrs. Q. and Puss /?.) 

Jack. ( Whistles or sings.) " Should auld acquaintance be forgot," 
etc. 

c^. I'll wager Bums wrote that after marriage. I think matrimony 
tries auld acquaintance about as severely as anything else does. 

Jack. Mr. Queergrain, I think you are a little hard on the state of 
matrimony, considering you are an honored member of the order Bene- 
dict. I don't believe married people scold any more than single peo- 
ple, or that they are any more exacting or disagreeable generally. 

J^. Perhaps they are not. But then many people seem to think that 
marriage gives them the right to scold and suspect and make themselves 
and everybody around them miserable. 

Jack. Well, I had not thought of any such right. It doesn't exist. 
[Aside.) If Puss had that right now, wouldn't I catch it? 

c^. Wnat is the difference whether it exists or not. If a person be- 
lieves he has a certain right, that thing is right for him, no matter 
what others think. 

Jack. You will have to abandon that theory. You can prove any- 
thing right in that way. After all, marriage does confer the right of 



86 WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 

the parties to correct each other's failings. In fact, that is one of its 
sacred obligations. 

^. For Heaven's sake, Jack, don't apply that principle too soon 
nor too strongly, or there will be an explosion. But I don't think you 
will have need to do so, for Puss is a good sensible girl. 

Jack. She is a splendid girl. [Aside.) I wish though she hadn't 
begun that correspondence. {Exit R.) 

^. Jack reasons well for a boy. But his logic's lame, or I'm a dun- 
derhead. 

Knocking heard L,Q. opens door. Enter Addie. 

Addie. Good mornmg, Mr. Queergrain. You wouldn't corae to 
see me, so I came to you. 

^. Take a seat. Miss Wild. But why do you say that I would not 
come to you ? 

Addie. You did not come anyway. I supposed you would stop on 
your way up town at noon to-day. 

^. I did not know you wished to see me. 

Addie. Didn't you get my note ? 

^. I received no note from you, but I sent one to-day, asking you to 
stop this evening, so that we could finish that list of books. 

Addie. I got your note, but can't imagine what became of mine. 

j£. The stupid post-office people have mislaid it, or sent it nobody 
knows where. Mine 1 sent by the coachman. We can finish that list 
to-night, can't we? 

Addie. I don't know. The library must be kept open until nine, 
and it will be too late after that. 

j^. I will send a clerk round to take your place. Young Lester is 
just the one. 

Addie. That will do if people do not interrupt us too much. Even- 
ing is a bad time for work at the library. 

3. Pshaw ! we will work here. 

Addie. Will Puss be at home ? 

e^. No; Mrs. Queergrain and Puss will both be at the Philanthropic 
Society, and we shall have everything to ourselves. 

Addie. Couldn't we finish the list to-morrow ? 

^. I shall be absent from town to- morrow. That list must be sent 
to the bookseller before the close of the month. I will send Lester to 
the library at eight. I shall have the catalogue all here ready to begin 
work at once. (Puss and Mrs. Q. heard talking outside R.) 

Addie. Oh dear! I thought Puss and Mrs. Queergrain were not at 
home this afternoon. What shall I do ! That might reveal every- 
thing. I mustn't be seen here. I'll go. {Starts tozvards closet door.) 

4J. Plague take it, what does she mean ? They'll see you. 

Addie. {Opens closet door L.) Oh dear ! that's the closet. 

J^. If you 7nust, be quick. I'll get rid of them. {Pushes her into 
the closet and closes the door.) I'm slow, but I see it all at last. 
Deuced slow I was to take a hint. This would be a pretty mess for 
the scandel-mongers. This is the result of being too liberal. 
Enter Mrs. Q. and Puss /?. 



WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 87 

Mrs. ^. What ! alone, Mr. Queergrain ? Oh, you were only 
soliloquizing aloud. Are you arguing politics with some imaginary 
opponent ? I caught the word liberal just now. 

^. {Nervously eyeing the closet door.) I was only thinking that 
people are sometimes too liberal. 

Mrs. ^. I venture the opinion that very few people have the failing 
of too great liberality, though all may think themselves generous. 

Puss. Ma, please don't begin to philosophize with Pa. He would 
not quit till tea time. Would you, Pa ? 

^. {Aside.) She seems in a good humor. I'll try it. {Aloud.) 
Wife, what do you say to a walk ? It is a beautiful afternoon, 

Mrs.^. A walk! {Aside.) The first for a year ! {Aloud.) Oh, 
I should be glad to take a short walk before tea. 

Fuss. May I go. Pa? 

^. Certainly, child. Let us be off at once. {Exit Q. i?., followed 
by the ladies.) 

Mrs. ^. I can't understand it. He never thinks of such a thing 
as a walk usually. 

Puss. Come on, Ma. Pa is waiting. {Exeunt.) 

Addie. {Appears from closet.) I've made a dunce of myself for 
a trifle. What made me run the risk of being discovered in such a sit- 
uation? And then, what will Mr. Queergrain think? That is the 
worst of it. I must explain to-night. 

Enter Jack R. 

Jack. Hello, Addie ! What in the world are you doing here alone ? 

Addie, I just came in for a few minutes to see Mr. Queergrain 
about some library business, and was about to go as you came in. 

Jack. Then you didn't see him, 

Addie. Yes, I did. 

yack. But he and Mrs. Queergrain and Puss are out taking a walk. 
They didn't go out and leave you alone, surely ? 

Addie. That is exactly what they did. I did not wish to accom- 
pany them. 

Jack. And you didn't take your leave. Waiting for me, eh? 
Why how did you get that cobweb on your shoulder ? I declare, you're 
blushing. What's the matter? 

Addie. Oh, you are entirely too inquisitive. Jack. 

Jack. But there is some mystery about this, Addie. What is it ? 
You must tell. You look guilty. 

Addie. Well, Jack, if you must know I'll tell you, but you mustn't 
tell it for the world. You are my confidant, you know. I didn't wish 
Puss to know just yet that you and I are old acquaintances. It might 
spoil our plans. So I just hid in the closet till Mr. Queergrain took 
the ladies out for a walk. 

Jack. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Hid in the closet ! Well, that beats me. 
Just think of a young lady calling on her friends, and then hiding in 
the closet to avoid seeing some of them. Romantic, decidedly ! I'm 
glad Puss didn't find it out though. Ha ! ha ! 



88 WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 

Addie. Hark ! Some one's coming. (Puss heard outside, talking 
to Mrs. Q. R.) 

Jack. Hang it, there's Puss back. I wish you had gone at once. 
She is going up stairs and will be down in a minute. Couldn't you go 
into the closet again till I dispose of her? Another time won't make 
much difference. 

Addie. It ain't just proper, but then as it's all a joke I'll run the 
risk. {Etiters closet.) 

Puss. Why ! are you here alone, Jack ? I thought you were out 
calling. 

Jack. I've been back some time. I'm tired staying in doors. Don't 
you want to take a walk ? 

Puss, A walk I Gracious me ! I've been walking to-day till I'm 
nearly tired to death. 

Jack. Oh, you have been walking. {Aside.) What a fool I was to 
forget that. 

Ptiss. Jack, what do you think ? Pa and Ma were taking a stroll ; 
something that does not happen often since Pa has been so busy. It 
will do them both good. Ma worries too much sometimes. But I was 
so surprised that Pa should take a walk this time of day. He never 
did it before. 

Jack. Yes, it is singular. (Aside.) I think, though, I could explain 
it. (Aloud.) I have a dull, disagreeable feeling just now. What will 
shake it off? 

Puss. Sit down here and we will have a pleasant chat. That will 
wear off your dullness. 

Jack. No, I'm tired of the house. I need a breath of cool air. 
Suppose we go out into the garden. I never tire of the beauties of 
nature. 

Puss. 1 forgot that. Once you get to talking all your dullness will 
vanish. You must chase it away. You know I pride myself on your 
mirthful disposition and wit. If you distinguish yourself again, as you 
did last evening, I shall call you Monsieur Bon Mot. May I not? 

Jack. Call me anything you choose, so it isn't bad. 

Puss. But you are dull, Jack. What is the matter ? Haven't you 
got over our little passage at arms this morning ? I thought that was 
all made up. 

Jack. It was, I assure you. 

Puss. What is the matter, then ? I never knew you to act so. Have 
you a skeleton in the closet ? 

Jack. There is nothing the matter. I don't uszially keep skeletons 
in my closet. (Aside.) 1 hope to the Lord this one will not tarry long. 
(Aloud.) But let's go to the garden. 

Puss. And I will make you a bouquet just like the one you wore 
the first time we met. That will put you in good spirits, won't it, dear 
Jack. 

Jack. Yes, darling, that will set me all right again. (Aside.) If 
that girl don't smother in the closet. (Exeunt R.) 

Addie appears from closet. 



WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 89 

Addie. I'm ashamed of myself ! that I am. Jack said I looked 
guilty, and I believe it. How dc I look now, I wonder? I made a 
fool of myself once, and Jack has repeated that very easy process. But 
I shan't endure suspicion on account of that trifling mistake of Mr. 
Queergrain's. I will explain it all to him to-night, for I see that he 
suspected something. {Looking out.) I suppose Puss and Jack are 
sufficiently engrossed in bouquets by this time to allow me to escape in 
safety, and then catch me in this trap again. {Exit L.) 

Curtain. 



I 



Scene, Same as Act I. 

Jack. {Seated by desk C.) I don't know about this leap-year busi- 
ness. What odd privileges leap year bestows ! A young lady coolly 
sends a delicate note saying that as I have desired an interview she 
will call at eight o'clock, it I am not engaged. She can come. To be 
sure she can. I am always at home for the ladies, and home with them 
too, I'm inclined to think. It's lucky that Puss is away. I always 
was a fortunate chap. Perhaps there is nothing improper about a 
young lady's callmg first on a young gentleman she has never seen. 
The girls took their admired fortunates to the leap year party. But 
that was a little different. I hope it will turn out all right though, for I 
am in for some fun now at all events, I suppose she will come ? Of 
course she will, for is in love with me. That photo, broke the ice, 
smashed it right through and then melted the fragments. I knew it 
would though, for all the girls must acknowledge that JackSpigot is a 
heart- smasher. Struts foppishly. I hope her heart is not entirely 
used up. Pshaw, it isn't, I know. She is not the kind I'll warrant to 
break her heart so easily as that. I wonder if she is pretty. If she is 
not I shall just send her away on short notice. What if she is 
pretty! Well, what then? I suppose a little harmless flirtation never 
did much damage yet. But it will soon be eight, and I must put the 
finishing touchesto my toilet. {Exit R.) 
Enter Q. L. 

^. I would not send her word not to come after urging her to come. 
If I had suspected the state of her mind I should as soon thought of 
asking her to elope with me as of asking her to come under the circum- 
stances. That closet affair was a revelation to me. {Knocking heard 
L. Mr. Q. opens door.) 

Enter Addie. 

J^. Good evening. Miss Wild. Walk in. 
Addie. Good evening, Mr. Queergrain. 



90 WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 

j^. Take a seat. {Places chair.) You are very punctual in your 
engagements. 

Addie. Punctuality is one of the cardinal virtues. As you are 
ready, I presume v/e can begin at once. I hope we shall accomplish 
a large amount of work to-night. 

^ . I hope we may be able to finish this work entirely. I am 
heartily sick of it. 

Addie. Before we begin, I wish to make an explanation in regard 
to something which — {Footsteps heard outside R.) 

^. Hark! {Listens.) Some one is coming. Who can it be! 
Jack has gone to the club, and the ladies are gone to the society. I 
thought the servants had all gone to the dance. {Opens door and 
peeps out R.) Good Lord ! Whoever it is is lighting a lamp. Miss 
Wild, please step into the closet. No one must see you here. 

Addie. I will not hide like a convicted culprit again in that hateful 
closet. I am innocent of any wrong intentions, and 

J^, Innocent ! and so am I. But I've been indiscreet. I've done 
wrong. There'll be a scene, and people will talk. Do not compro- 
mise yourself and me by appearances. Go, please. 

Addie. Oh, dear ! {Enters closet L. Q. closes door and steps 
behind his writing desk.) 

Enter Box R. 

Box. Why here is a lamp burning. They forgot that, I suppose. 
She is not here yet. Susan is a sensible, dear girl. She prefers stay- 
ing at home with me to going over to the Hall and dancing all night 
with all the young sprigs in town. But where can she be so long. 
Ah ! she is coming at last. I can tell her step long before her fairy 
form appears. I'll pretend I am not here, and surprise her. ( Turns 
down one lamp and blows the other out. Drops behind large chair.) 

Enter Mrs. Queergrain R. disguised as chambermaid, veiled. 

Box. {Springing up.) Aha ! my charmer ! Got a veil on, eh ! 
Thought you would fool me. I'll pay you for that trick. {Pulls of 
Mrs. Q.'s veil, and kisses her before he discovers his mistake. Both 
recoil iti a7nazei7ient .) 

Box. What the 

Airs. ^, What do you mean, Box, by such scandalous conduct? 

Box. I didn't mean it at all. I didn't know it was you. I beg 
pardon, I do, t — I — 

j^. (Stepping forward suddenly.) You had better beg mine too. 
Such conduct is inexcusable. 

Box. Really, Mr. Queergrain, I meant no harm. I thought it was 
Susan, seeing that she had her dress on. 

<^. I don't see that you are excusable to enter my library and con- 
duct yourself in such a manner with Susan even. I do not wish my 
servants to act so unbecomingly. Mrs. Queergrain, perhaps you will 
not object to explaining why you appear here in such an unbecoming 
attire ? 

Mrs. ^. I can explain that when you explain why you are here at 



WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 91 

all. You led me to believe you had an engagement down town. 

J^. 1 didn't say I had an engagement down town. 

Mrs. J^. You said you were crowded with work, and you never 
work here. 

c^. Madam, I can explain that satisfactorily in due time. 

Airs. ^. In due time ! Now is the time, or never, I am ready 
nov/ to explain anything that may need explanation, {They stand and 
gaze at each other.) 

Enter Puss R. 

Puss. Why, Pa, are you here. I thought you and Jack had 
engagements. {Aside) Addie hasn't come after all. (Aloud.) Pa, 
what tableau are you and Ma representing? It's decidedly good, ha! 
ha ! Now I have it ! King Copheuta and the beggar maid. Pa has 
a regal look, and Ma is not a bad beggar maid in her present attire. 
A misunderstanding again, I suppose? What is it, Ma? 

Airs. J£. I will not speak first. 

^. Nor will I. 

Ptiss. Then I will speak. I can clear up this mystery, I think. 
But you must all follow my instructions. First of all, we must go into 
the parlor for a few minutes. 

^. Into the parlor ! What for? 

Pziss. Never mind what for. Only obey instructions and all will 
be clear in a few minutes. Come. We'll be back in a few minutes. 

^. I'd like to know what she is going to do. {Exeunt P, Puss 
last.) 

Box. {Passing- out. Aside.) If I get out of this scrape, you shan't 
catch me surprising anybody again. Xhat was a surprise, sure. 

Puss. {Aside.\ I wonder if she will be ready soon. Hark! There's 
a timid knock at the door. And Jack's coming down stairs to answer 
it. Good ! good ! Everything works like a charm. I hope he hasn't 
heard us. {Exit P.) 

Enter L JACK and Dinah, latter heavily veiled and disguised. 

Jack. Let me take your hat and coat {stammers) — I meant your 
bonnet and shawl. {She takes h(fr shawl offhand hands it to him.) 

Your hat and •. Hang it, I meant your things. Excuse me, I am 

not accustomed to receive lady callers. Take a seat, {Points to chair.) 

Dinah. {Speaks with a lisp.) You are quite excusable, {Seats 
herself on sofa L.) Of' course it seems a little odd for a lady to call on 
a gentleman in this way. Leap year does not come often. I don't feel 
at all at home myself. 

Jack. {Seating himself on chair opposite her.) That's so. I wish 
it did, though. I beg your pardon, I forgot to take your hat. Let me 
take that, Miss Flyer. 

Dinah. Thank you, it is hardly worth while for me to take off my 
hat. 

Jack. You need not be in such a hurry. We must get acquainted. 

Dinah. I shouldn't like to remain long, for the folks might return 
before 1 left. 



92 



WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT; 



yach. Pshaw ! They will not be back for an hour or more. Mr. 
Queergrain never gets in till ten or after, and Mrs. Queergrain will 
stay at the society until it adjourns, and that is nearly ten. 

Dinah. I shan't remain long. I intended merely to make a short 
call. 

Jach. Very well, let it be short, if that is the inevitable, but please 
don't be formal about it. 

Dhiah. That's my sentiment. I never did like formality. So let's 
get acquainted. I've been wishing ever since we began this very 
pleasant correspondence to meet you. 

Jack. Indeed ! {Aside.) I thought so. {Aloud.) I certainly can 
say that I was very desirous of the same pleasure. We might just as 
well have met sooner, and so have tasted this happiness often. I pre- 
sume, though, you are an advocate of self-denial. 

Dinah. To confess the truth, I hardly knew whether it would be 
right to receive a call from an entire stranger. 

Jack. So you concluded to call on me. I appreciate your deli- 
cacy, and think more of you for it. {Aside.) Over the left. 

Dinah. Please, Mr. Spigot, don't say that. 

Jack. What? 

Dinah. That you think more of me. 

Jack. Well, if you don't wish me to say that, I will take that back 
and say that you have done the proper thing. {Aside.) In a horn. 

Dinah. Thank you, Mr. Spigot, I'm so glad to know that you think 
so. 

Jack. Of course there can be nothing improper in our meeting, 
and if the thing itself is right the place can't make much difference. 
I have longed to see your face ever since I first looked on your photo. 

Dinah. You are inclined to flattery, Mr. Spigot. 

Jack. It's the truth, anyway. {Aside.) Why don't she take off 
that abominable veil. {Aloud.) Miss Flyer, hadn't you better take 
off your hat? 

Dinah. No ; I must make a short call. 

Jack. {Aside.) Deuced slow to take a hint. {Aloud.) You don't 
mean to say that you are going to keep that veil over your face till you 
• leave, and not let me see your face at all ? 

Dinah. I'll be your inamorata incognita, the mysterious Lady of the 
Veil. 

Jack. {Aside.) A beauty ! I will see her face. {Aloud.) Madam, 
your Sir Knight wishes to see the beautiful face of the Lady of the 
Veil. He is dying for one of her smiles. 

Dinah. You have my photo., and if you wish to see my face you 
must call on me. 

Jack. {Aside.) Ugly, I'll bet. A scheme to trap me. {Aloud. 
7vinninoly.) Miss Flyer, your photo, can't smile. Besides, I wish to 
verify it before I continue our acquaintance further. Will you give 
me the opportunity to gaze on your beautiful countenance? 

Dinah. Mr. Spigot, I have the best of reasons for refusing your 
request. When we meet again all will be made clear. 

Jack. When we meet again ! I'm going to solve this riddle now. 



WANTED: A CORRESPONDENT. 93 

{Seats himself beside her on the sofa. Produces photo. Looks at it. ) 
What splendid eyes ! and what delicately molded lips! Miss^'Flyer 
may I sip the nectar of those ruby lips ? {Advances.) 

JDinah. {Rises.) What do you mean, sir ? 

Jack. The plain English of it is, may I kiss you ? 

Dinoh. Kiss me ! How dare you ! 

Jack. I am always ready to dare and to do when there is no more 
sacrifice involved than on the present occasion. {Seizes her and 
attempts to lift her veil. She screams. Puss and others enter R.) 
What the Confusion ! 

Puss. Goodness alive ! what's the matter? 

J^. This is a night of surprises. 

Mrs. .^. {Severely.) Mr. Spigot, it devolves on you as a gentle- 
man to explain your conduct. 

Puss. We are ready for explanations, Jack. 

Enter Box L, showing in Geo. Wild. Announces., '■'■A gentleman 
who -wishes to see Miss Pearly." Mr. Q. beckons Box to remain. 
Geo. stops by Jack L., faces Puss, who is in jR. C. Mr, and Mrs. 
Q. between them. 

Geo. Good evening, Miss Pearly. 

Puss. {Surprised.) What! How did you come here? You 
assume a great deal. I said Thursday evening. 

Jack. Thursday ! You knew I should be gone then. It's your 
turn to explain. Why don't you introduce the gentleman ? 

Geo. I will attempt (Jack beckons him to keep quiet.) 

^. {Aside.) I hope she's not in there yet. (Glances at closet.) 

Mrs. ^. Puss, you promised to clear up this mystery, but it only 
increases. Step your nonsense, and tell us what it means. 

Puss Ma, don't ask. I can't explain. Where's Addie ! {Looks 
around bewildered. Door of closet opens and Addie steps out beside 
Geo.) 

Mrs. ^. {Hysterically.) Merciful heavens ! my worst fears are 
realized. I am undone ! Oh ! oh ! oh ! Mr. Queergi'ain, how came 
she there. 

Puss. Oh, Addie ! I'm so glad you are here. Ma, this young lady 
is Miss Addie Wild, an intimate friend of Pa's and mine. 

Mrs. ^. Then why is she in the closet ? and why are you at home 
to-night, Mr. Queergrain. 

J^. Mrs. Queergrain, I thought that the child of my most intimate 
friend, and a schoolmate of Puss's, could visit here safely at all times. 
We made an engagement this morning to meet and finish the library 
list this evening. 

Mrs. ^. Yes, but this secrecy — the closet, Mr. Queergrain ? 

Addie. Mrs. Queergrain, that was all my fault. Mr. Queei'grain, 
to-day I did not shrink from meeting your wife, as I fear you supposed. 
I blush to think that I should give the slightest ground for such a 
thought. It was only Puss I wished to avoid. 

Puss. Only me ! I declare ! 



*-un<jHESS 



016 112 408 4 • 



KINSEY'S DEBATER, 

DESIGNED FOR THE USE OF SCHOOLS OF ALL GRADES, AND 

A GLIDE FOR INSTITUTES AND 

BUSINESS MEETINGS. 



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usages. 

Every reader of a newspaper needs a manual of this kind for refer- 
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assemblies. 



a? ssTxiviionsrij^XiS. 



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